Elegance

My town isn’t big, but it has a lot of remarkable places if you know where to look. On that day, I was going to one of them, a place where people go to hide things.

You head out on Walnut Street to where it turns into a dirt road, then follow that until you see a run-down metal building. The town stores old equipment there, the kind of stuff that no will ever come back to get: broken lawn mowers, old snowplows, and rolled up signs from the Snow Goose Festival.  It’s not locked, of course. There is an awning out in back with an old couch, where you can sit and look over the valley and the river and the cottonwoods. Mostly, kids smoke pot there.

That’s not why I go to The Shed, though. I usually go there to find the things other people have hidden. Now that I write that out, it sounds kind of creepy, but it’s not really that bad. Mostly, kids will hide porn or cigarettes or pictures of old boyfriends, if they are gay.  I don’t care about any of that. I’m usually looking for writing, confessions. When you grow up in a town like this, you want to read a tragedy that isn’t your own, and that rings true in a way that Fitzgerald or Hemingway do not in this part of the high plains.  My own tragedies are little ones. Since I got flattened in practice by David Cortez and bruised my leg, I’ve been relegated to back-up punter. The best writer in the school, Julie Harris, stopped dating me after the homecoming dance and now just wants to hook up in her car and not let anyone see us. All normal high school stuff, I guess.

I know my way around The Shed pretty well. Kids are surprisingly predictable about where they hide their notebooks and wads of folded paper. I go right to the most likely spot to hide some writing: under the Snow Goose Festival posters resting on a long rough wooden table. I lift up the heavy pile, and there it is.

The notebook is the kind kids use for class notes, with a flimsy green cardboard cover. It is slightly damp, and the cover sticks to the first page. The first page is blank.  I peel it back. The second page has one word on it: Elegance.

I stare hard at that one word, which plays the amazing trick of being a contradiction of itself in a thousand ways. After all, the notebook isn’t much to look at, and it is in the world’s most inelegant place.  And the handwriting looks like a boy’s, not a girl’s, and it’s written with a rough thick pencil line, not the lavender ink I usually find in these things.

The third page says this, and only this: I want something in my life to be elegant. The rest of the book is blank. The writer is going to come back and fill it in later, reporting on the Elegance Project once it is under way. I shove it back into place, then flop down on the couch under the awning and look out over the valley and the brown hills beyond. A turkey vulture glides over, and circles back.

At school the next day I can’t get that word out of my head. “Elegance” is a thing for New York or LA or maybe Cherry Creek, a fancy neighborhood in Denver where my cousins live. It’s not something you find in this town, which has a good cafe and a bad café and a gas station made of petrified wood and that’s pretty much it. It’s not a word that people use, except the math teacher, and it always seems funny, not serious, when he calls an equation “elegant.”

At lunch, Julie and I go to her car again. She sits in the passenger seat and I sit in the driver’s seat, even though it is her car. She likes it that way. We kind of have a routine, and I don’t think about it much, unless she starts crying. She stopped dating me in public when she started visiting our English teacher, Mr. Robertson, at home, and I am pretty sure I know why she is crying.  I don’t really know what to do, other than the routine, so I do that. I start by kissing the soft skin on the back of her neck, holding her hair like a lariat in the palm of my hand.

She dresses differently now. Girls in our school wear jeans and t-shirts or maybe a hoodie.  It’s not a dress-up place. But Julie is wearing something beautiful every day now. It is stuff that doesn’t come from here. Today she is wearing a white satin top with thin white straps. When I touch it, running my hand along the smoothness of it against her waist, the word came to me, and I say it. She says nothing, and then I feel her begin to cry, a gentle movement more than a sound.

At practice, the freshman who had displaced me, Luis Villareal, is doing most of the punts, so I go and watch the offensive line work. It isn’t my position, and I haven’t really watched them before except when they were on special teams, trying to keep me from getting slaughtered. It’s a small school, so the same big guys are on the offensive line and the defensive line, but they are working on blocking today. Coach Fajardo is showing them how to do react when the other team does a “stunt,” which is a play where the defense has two players cross over as they try to get to the quarterback. David Cortez and Tomas Fernandez are practicing the same move over and over, where they move towards one another and then apart, as if picking up the pass rushers. Coach is showing them where to step, and they follow his footwork over and over with their hands out front, fingers extended. It is fascinating, really, now that I really see it– on the balls of their feet doing a shuffle right, a bounce, and a swift step left as they watch Coach do the same. It is… graceful. It really is.

They have a late bus for the kids who do sports, which goes all over town. I wait by the curb with the other football guys and some runners and the girls’ soccer team. I look over at Tanya Rodriguez’s left leg as she checks her texts. It is taut and strong, and this sharp crisp line runs from her ankle to her knee, this lovely arch as she points her foot askew to the school and town and the valley behind us. The bus door opens with a hiss and we pile in. I take a seat in the front, next to Will Vasquez, like I always do. The driver of the late bus is Maria Fajardo, coach Fajardo’s wife. She does the same thing as always. First, she looks behind her, smiles, and says, “Everybody in? Are we missing anyone?” Then she closes the bus door, two folding leaves dancing together. Finally, she runs her fingertip along the big circle of the steering wheel, her bright red fingernail stark against the black vinyl. It’s lovely, that motion.

I tell Mrs. Fajardo to let me off at Walnut, and I walk out to the dirt road and The Shed. I have a half-hour of daylight, and now I can write. The sky over the prairie is crimson and pink. As I flop down on the old couch with the notebook I see the turkey vulture soaring away from town and back again, a slow high arc in the reddening sky.


LOUIS MILLARD is a sophomore at the University of Colorado. His hometown is Lamar, Colorado, which is the setting for this story. He likes to think that he is honorable, though that has never been officially recognized.

Saffron

The saffron colour draped her frail body, gliding softly around her waist. You could see hints of gold, glittering around the border of her sari. It was bright and beautiful, just like she was the first time she wore it. Her jet black hair was twisted into a bun, fashioned with a jasmine garland, on that day. The kajal made her almond eyes even bolder. All her sisters were jealous of her beauty. She was tall, slender and had a sharp nose. Her father used to call her Cleopatra.

The sari was to be worn for Diwali, just like she had done fifty years ago. Though she had changed with time, her sari didn’t. They were kept in safe conditions, away from her conniving bahus. They had their hands on most of her jewelry and all of her kurtis. She had saved her saris though for she loved them. She showered them with love and affection, perhaps more than she did on her family. The saris reminded her of all that she loved. Her family reminded her of all that she had lost.

She looked at the vanity mirror that was placed on her almirah. She had barely any time to look at it. She made sure she was busy so that she didn’t have time.

Today, she made time. She opened her long hair, which was once pure black but now, pure white. It flowed over her shoulders, down to her waist, softly and gently. She had forgotten how beautiful her hair used to be. As a young girl, she would run around the fields with her thick mane flying behind her. Now, her knees groaned with each step she took and her open hair would irritate her.

She touched her face. It was once soft and long. Now, it was harsh with wrinkled lines all over. Her eyes were draped with loose eyelids and her once smiling lips were set in a thin line. No matter how hard she forced them, they stayed in their severity. They didn’t smile when she got married, didn’t smile when she had her children and they didn’t smile when her family laughed. They stayed in their solitude.

She wondered if he would still find her beautiful, if he could make her smile? Would she have aged differently, had she aged with him?

She would have. She knew she would’ve.

Today, she would allow herself to remember him. After fifty years, she would bring him alive.

She moved towards the dark corner of her room and placed herself on a rocking chair. It once belonged to her husband. It used to be placed out in the courtyard and he would sit on it all day. He even died on it. She moved it into her room and placed it in a comfortable corner. People would pity her, thinking that she would sit on his chair as she missed him. Truth be told, it was simply comfortable.

She closed her eyes and let her memories flood her eyes.

She saw the day she met him, as a child.

She saw her younger self being completely enamoured by him.

She saw him, in his teenage years; tall, well-built, fair with dark black eyes. They always used to sparkle, especially around her.

She saw the day he confessed his feelings for her. She wore the same saffron sari. It was under the banyan tree, near a lake in the rain. She was so happy.

She saw the day when her father slapped her, angry at her for having a relationship with him. How could an educated girl fall in love with a village pandit?

She saw the day she married her father’s choice- an accountant. Smart man but nothing compared to her choice. Her choice was philosophical. She used to call him Tagore.

Her Tagore.

She saw the determination in his eyes. Determination to marry the girl he loved and not let her go. She saw her determination too.

She saw the day she was pushing through the crowd that surrounded the banyan tree, next to the lake, in the rain.

She saw her Tagore, painted red with his wounds. His eyes were closed in serenity as if he were just asleep.

She saw herself let go of all her tears. She saw herself hating her family; her brothers for killing him, her father for ordering his death and her mother for standing silently in the sidelines. She never forgave them. She stopped laughing with her brothers, stopped sitting with her father and stopped dancing with her mother.

She knew they missed their daughter but she didn’t care. She missed her Tagore. She’d dream of herself dancing, laughing and talking to him.

She suddenly shot up and went to the mirror. Her legs ran even though her knees cried out.

She closed her eyes and opened them. She saw her Tagore.

He played with her white hair, she saw him kiss her wrinkled face and pull her lips out into a smile, reminding her he had never left.


NAINA ATRI follows the philosophy of U Soso Tham: all rules are scattered bones that do not feel. It is the heart that feels and hence, writes. She’s always been interested in the human world, especially in things that she cannot touch but feel (mainly, psychology). Her favourite books include The Bonesetter’s Daughter by Amy Tan, Deathly Poems compiled by Russ Kick and the works of Devdutt Pattnaik.

Like A Fish

You know I’m here, don’t you, Nanette?  You know which one is me. Just a dim, green glow in the darkness; just the faintest ripple and plop. Shadows gliding, vague forms sliding. And you know which one is me.

They’ve turned out the lights and you’ve turned your head away from me. But you know I’m still here. And you know there’s nobody you can tell, nobody who will believe you. That’s the trouble with this place. It’s like one of those foreign art movies where you can’t tell the truth from the dreams and all of the dreams are nightmares, even when you’re awake.  Nobody believes anybody in here, because nobody knows the truth, and what, after, all is the truth?

Well, you and I know something of the truth, don’t we, Nanette? It all started out so beautifully, who would have thought it would end like this?

Paradise, you called it that first night at the hotel – or to be precise, a tropical paradise. You were so sweet, so pretty, with your brand new blonde streaks and your solarium tan and your travel brochure clichés. You and your girlfriend had saved all year for your South Sea holiday. Then Cherie-Lynne dumped you for Honolulu with Brett and there you were, on an island holiday all by yourself.

We couldn’t help noticing you there on the terrace. The pineapple earrings were lovely, and so was the candy pink mini dress. Both Mike and I thought the frangipani in your hair was such an original touch. I could say that we thought you were a dear little thing; but ‘little’ isn’t quite you, is it?  No, no, my dear, I’m not saying you’re fat, you’re just a sturdy, well-built girl. Asking you to join us for dinner, explaining the cocktail menu to you, well, it was our pleasure. We loved doing things like that.

Later, after I’d gone to our room and you danced on the terrace with Mike, I watched from the window. It was such a romantic sight. With the music and the margaritas floating around in your head, not to mention his YSL aftershave in your nostrils and his lips brushing your cheek, no wonder you seemed to be floating (my turn for clichés now) and the fact that he was my husband was neither here nor there.

Quite understandably, there was no losing you after that. All those other lovely young people on the beach for you to meet, but you were always, always with us. I was tempted at times to tell you that those teeny bikinis of yours were just a tad passé, but that might have hurt your feelings.  Besides, Mike was enjoying them so much. As for what went on, or came off, behind that beach umbrella while I was having my swim…I could say it was anybody’s guess. But I wasn’t guessing. I knew.

I suppose some women might have handled it differently, made sure that the two of you were never alone together. But why should I give up my swimming when it meant so much to me?

“Livvie swims like a fish!” People had been saying that since I was ten years old and it was quite true. Unlike you, my dear, I’ve always been petite and always had a certain quicksilver quality — light and graceful, full of life, dancing and darting about. And when I was in the water I was in my element. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, you must have seen it yourself. Swimming to me was almost a spiritual experience and I had to do it every day, like some people meditate. No, I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice that, not for anything.

So I let you pair go for your walks and come back with grass stains all over you and sand in your hair, and it was me who actually suggested that Mike take you out on the yacht. Coming back at three a.m was a little bit over the top, but if, as you said, you were completely becalmed, who was I to argue?

Even when I was around, you still couldn’t keep it to yourself. Those yellowy-green, long-lashed eyes of yours that reminded me of a sheep, always gazing at him across the table, following him across the room; it was all so frightfully tedious for me, but I suppose it was amusing for him.

And now I have a confession to make. I thought I had you all worked out, but I completely underestimated you. I thought I knew what would happen and exactly what you would do. There’d be some kind of passionate, tearful confrontation with Mike, or possibly even with me. Your undying love would be declared, the word ‘divorce’ would be bandied around and Mike and I would have to move on just to get you out of our hair. Ho hum, boring.

Never in a million years would I have guessed what you had in mind. The morning you suggested that you and I go snorkelling, I thought it rather odd. You and I, not you and my husband, took a little figuring out, especially when you chose such a remote and secluded beach. But then I realised that, of course, it was time for us to have our talk. You wanted that woman-to-woman chat where you told me about you and Mike and suggested that if I really cared for him, I should hand him over to you. At least that’s what I thought.

“But Livvie swam like a fish!” Do you remember them saying that? “How could she possibly have drowned when she could swim like a fish?”  Well, it’s quite easy when your legs are grabbed from behind, your head is shoved under and a hundred and fifty solid pounds are pinning you down on the reef!

“She must have dived and hit her head.” That was Mike’s offering. And the mess I was in when they found me certainly bore that out. Did you know that you were grinding my face into the coral, or was that an accident? Anyway, it matters not, because the coroner agreed with Mike. And you were so very convincing, especially when you cried and said that if you hadn’t left me while you went to collect shells, you might have been able to save my life. Accidental death by drowning. Me?? I was never more insulted in my life, or after it, come to that.

For you it almost worked perfectly, except for one little point. You didn’t know my husband any better than I knew you. If we’d had our little chat, Nanette, as I’d rather hoped we would, I could have explained how Mike and I liked to spend our holidays. I would enjoy my swimming, my shopping, the gym. I played tennis, ran on the beach, or simply lay and worked on my tan. Mike’s idea of enjoyment was to have an affair.

Some men, particularly the good-looking ones, need their occasional fling. For them, the lovesick gaze on a silly young face is the same as checking the mirror for reassurance that they’re not really middle-aged.

So we had our little understanding, Mike and I, although you couldn’t have known. I can honestly say I’m sorry that you found out the way you did.

All you tried to tell him was that now the two of you were free to love each other forever.

Him telling you where to go the way he did was not very polite and the language he used to get his message across left quite a lot to be desired. Throwing that bottle at you probably wasn’t strictly necessary either. But he was drinking very heavily at the time and I believe he was genuinely upset. Did you really think he’d be pleased that I was dead? (Incidentally, he has since been much comforted by an airline stewardess.  I understand they are on their honeymoon as we speak).

Well, this is no honeymoon for us, is it, my dear — not in a place like this? But I must say that they’ve done a superb job on the décor, all these lovely pastels and Monet prints. And you might be allowed to leave one day, although I wouldn’t count on that being anytime soon. When you snap, you certainly snap in a most spectacular way. The screaming hysteria or the glassy-eyed trance, I’m not sure which I like best. Do you still see my blood in the water? Do you still hear those grotesque gurgling moans I made? Can you still feel me threshing under your hands, frantically fighting for life? Can you still see my body rolling around in the swell? Does my poor, battered face keep haunting you? Do my dead eyes stare at you?

You’ve tried to tell them, if only they’d understand. But they can’t tell the truth from the nightmares. Only you and I can do that.

I promise I’ll never leave you…. I’ll always be here, Nanette. 

Memo to day staff from Sister Brady: Trouble with Nanette Callaghan just after 3am. She had some kind of hysterical episode and poured a bottle of eau de Cologne into the aquarium. Killed all the fish, except one!


ANN MARTIN lives in rural Tasmania with three dogs and a jazz musician. As Carol Ann Martin, she writes for children and has been published by Omnibus/Scholastic, Penguin Australia and Jet Black Publishing. When not writing juvenile fiction and picture books, Ann enjoys forays into the world of adult fiction, especially short stories and flash fiction.

Holes

The incessant hum of the orange streetlamp flickering. The light patter of a rodent’s feet scurrying. The belabored cough of the occasional pickup truck trudging along. The unrelenting soundtrack to my life playing over and over and over again.

The cacophony grows to a dull rumble, an itch resting along the inner wall of my skull, and I roam the damp asphalt streets just as I did yesterday, just as I will do tomorrow.

I peer down at my numb feet, making sure they are, in fact, still intact. My once-white size 6 Skechers stare back at me, covered in french-fry oil and dry mud, bursting at every seam, trying so desperately to cling to my worn out size 7½ feet has grown. One naked toe stares back at me, ugly and unclean, but certainly intact.

I continue forward. Left, right, left, right, left, right…

Bitter and sharp, the cold air bites through the thin layers of clothes and into my skin, stabbing at the vulnerable toe with every heavy step. I shuffle my feet faster, curl my toes in further, hug the tattered sweatshirt closer to my ribs and watch the fog of each sour breath float out of my mouth and into the motionless air.

I keep my eyes forward. There isn’t all that much to see. Pothole, streetlamp, house, pothole, streetlamp, house, pothole, streetlamp, house. Of course, every once in awhile a pair of headlights or rodents will interrupt the cycle; other than that, however, the scenery seems to slide by on an endless loop like the background of an old video game.

A black spot scurries into my peripheral field of view. I whip my head towards a large rat, dashing from a familiar jagged hole at the base of a familiar wooden porch.

Through the dim light of the flickering orange bulb above, I look up at the house to which the jagged rat’s hole belongs, stripped of color, grown over with ivy, struggling to hold itself together with about as much success as my battered, once-white sneakers. The piercing yellow eyes of a black cat peer out towards the darkness from atop mom’s rickety old rocking chair as it creaks back and forth on the sinking wooden porch. A broken beer bottle rolls back and forth beside it, knocking in to the others, disturbing the suffocating stillness of the cold night air.

I turn back towards the road and am immediately blinded. A ball of light as bright as the sun crawls towards me. My hand jumps to shade my eyes and I watch the orb of light split in two.

My body splits in two with it.

In my mind’s eye, I watch myself gathering what energy I can. I watch myself breathing heavier, feeling my heart beat faster. I watch myself running out into the street. I watch myself being swallowed by the light. I watch myself escape.

I blink.

I watch my feet stay firmly planted on the side of the road. I watch the red pickup limp by, illuminated by the light of the golden arches a few hundred yards back. I watch my only chance inch by and I wish that I was the me I imagined a few moments ago.

My feet drag along the crumbling asphalt, past my childhood home onto the neighboring plot of land, until I reach the faded red door of my current residence.

I’ve lived 23 years and barely moved 23 feet.

I open the creaking door. A wave of warmth, and a perfume of body odor and flatulence washes over me. As I cross the threshold I welcome the familiar sensation. I ram my shoulder into the door, simultaneously turning the lock, the only way to keep it from popping back open the second it closes.

The buzz of the streetlamps. The scratch of a rodent’s claws. The sigh of the engine. They are dimmed, but never fully muted.

Pressing my forehead into the door, I allow myself to absorb the dry heat of the stagnant air. I sigh, preparing myself for the next phase of the routine: Dan.

My boyfriend’s body is slung over the couch, with his mouth parted just enough for a whistle of air to run past his beer-stained teeth and into his tar-filled lungs. A half drunken beer bottle rests just beside the leg of the couch, next to the others. There are more empty bottles than usual.

At least somebody had a productive night.

My knees dig into the hard wood beneath them as I reach over to collect tonight’s round of bottles when a whisper of cold washes over the nape of my neck. I scan the room in search of the source. A fallen plank of wood lies lifelessly beneath the boarded up window, or at least the hole where the window was before the last tornado.

I drag myself toward it as the breeze cuts through the stiff, stale air, but just before I can pick up the moldy slab of weathered wood, I find myself fixated on the small slice of night it leaves uncovered.

I shuffle towards the backdoor and give it a harsh shove. It opens with a loud thump and a crack, but I know it won’t wake Dan-nothing but his own vomit can do that.

I submerge myself into the frigid air and tilt my chin back as far as my stiff neck will allow.

A shroud of suffocating darkness cloaks the world. Like each cloud of breath, everything around me fades into the background, slowly dissipating, melting into the shadow of the night. Not even the drone of the streetlamp or the scrape of the small animal or the pants of the pickup trucks follow me anymore, finally extinguished and replaced by an unbreakable silence. And for a moment I wonder if I will be swallowed by it as well, smothered by the all-consuming darkness weighing down on my tiny world.

So I squeeze my eyes shut, suck in the icy air, clench my frozen fists and wait.

But nothing happens.

I let the crinkles in my eyelids smooth out and release my fists. The moment my eyes open my mouth does too, taking in a sharp breath of the refreshing night air.

The darkness revealed something that the lights kept hidden.

My feet flatten the overgrown grass, my arms pump, my mind spins. Air, raw and fresh, flies toward me, biting my nose and stinging my cheeks and I am running. I am in front of the rundown shack I call home and I am looking out at that same road I travel day after tedious day and I am realizing that I have only ever seen a fraction of it. This road stretches on into the vast darkness for miles and miles and miles, rolling over the side of the earth only twenty or thirty streetlamps down into unchartered territory.

With each step forward, the path ahead grows, another streetlamp pokes through the distant ground. And with the golden light on my back I keep on running, away from that house I know far too well, yes, but also toward the darkness I know nothing of because what I saw in that backyard is something I had always known was there but had never seen before. What I saw was something nobody can take from me: tiny holes poked through night’s veil.

Someone must have made it through.

Maybe I can too.


LEILA SHIRIAN is a writer recently published in several local publications. Inspired by the great fiction writers that expanded her imagination and encouraged her hunger for the written word, Leila is eager to share her own writing, hoping to contribute to the community that has been fueling her passion and excitement for storytelling since she was a little girl.

Deep Thought The Walrus

So it was the average Saturday night, I was out for dinner. With the walrus. As always, the walrus was late. He was supposed to come in at 8:00 and he was already 26 minutes late.

After about half an hour of waiting, the restaurant door flung open, and in came the walrus. He was wearing a watch. You would expect him to not know of human norms such as wearing clothes, paying for food, wars, etc. but you would be wrong. The walrus was fully dressed. He had a certain stature to his walk. An intimidation. He would walk into a room and the crowd would be like, “Hey, whoa, what is that freight train of confidence?”

The walrus marched to my table and looked at me. He just stood there, and looked at me. He looked and said nothing. His ivory teeth were inches from my face. He blinked, and opened his mouth. He asked me, “Do you think I’m insane?”

I looked at him, dazed. What? What did he just ask me? But then it hit me. It was a fairly good question. The walrus was big. But it came off as small in the right conditions, and massive in others. He sometimes said things that were contradictory. He would say that things can’t appear and disappear out of nowhere. Then he would talk about how electrons disappear from one shell and suddenly appear in another. He would say things can’t be in 2 places at once, and then talk about some weird German cat. He would say that nothing is faster than light, and then talk about neutrinos. Sometimes, the walrus was just bonkers. He’d say that light travels in straight lines, and then talk about black hole photon sphere. He spent most of his time figuring out his relationship with philosophy the sea maverick. Sometimes he would say strange things. He’d say the sea maverick was his best friend, and then say that the two of them can’t agree on anything. The walrus was an atheist. He was a dreamer. But he was also a danger to himself and the people around him. A luring trap if I may. Countless had lost their lives to his tusks– Newton, Einstein, Tyson, Greene.

He had a split personality. Sometimes he was eerily sure of himself, an assumed paramountcy. At other times, he questioned his very viability, and felt entirely insignificant. He asked himself if he was just a fragment of imagination. No real substance. Tears would roll out of his eyes.

He was wild, often destructive, ever changing. Within days he would go from Einstein is a god to “he was wrong” and back again, like a finicky mistress trying to find where she belonged. The walrus was weary of his world, yet so dynamic and young. Hopping from one island to another, even two at once, his ship of the imagination would take him anywhere. Anywhere. Wherever he could imagine himself. He would jump and swim where he felt, and sometimes just sit by the fire trying to convince his fickle mind that his work here was done. But the mind wouldn’t listen. The mind wanted more, it was restless. It wanted to know how the world worked, because that gave him power.

The walrus wasn’t just one being. He was several. Constantly at war with each other, fighting, telling each other that they are better than them, that they are not insignificant feeding their own security. Running, scurrying, the rat race to a land called Right. They all simply wanted to be right. What the silly walri did not understand was that the island was big enough for everyone. But the walrus was immensely stupid and frivolous in spite of its wisdom.

The disequilibrium of the walrus’s self was incredible to watch. One could spend years trying to understand what the walrus was telling them, and not get a word. Scholars made it big in life by teaching others what the walrus spoke of. But the walrus didn’t really say anything. It just stood there. And stared at the island. The walrus was crazy. It was borderline mad. So when he asked if I thought he was insane, I could only think of one peculiarly interesting cat. Well, all cats are fairly interesting, but this one in particular was different. So as the walrus stared at me waiting for an answer, I looked into his eyes and whispered, “Yes and no.”

He remained unmoved. Just kept looking at me. Suddenly, he smiled and asked me, “Shall we start with some soup?”


DAKSH GUPTA is a high school freshmen from Noida, India, who was born in Houston, Texas, and raised in suburbs of the Indian capital, New Delhi. He bears an immense love for science, and a healthy disregard for the possible. He has been published in his school’s annual magazine, and maintains a fairly popular science blog, which he’s been updating every fortnight for almost a year, that can be found here. Gupta’s achievements include being able to type on a computer, and holding his breath for sixty seconds on a good day.

For it was the middle of June

For it was the middle of June and the sky was a murky grey; not the grey of silver linings but the grey of rain and winter, frost and decay. The city was dull and the people were harried; rushing, bustling, heads down, umbrellas up, don’t look don’t look, eyes on the ground. The red scarf around her neck was a noose and society the hangman – will he slacken? Or will he continue to pull tighter, tighter, choking, choking, like that day in autumn all those years ago; she could feel her brother’s hands still there, the purple bruising her neck, but no; no – that was over now.

The sidewalks watched with pleading eyes as they were crushed – their soul, their spirit – with the thousand marching feet to an unheard and unrecognised rhythm, the 9 o’clock drudgery. She walked from street to street, city block to city block, passing bus stops and parks, a green so garish it gouged her vision. The city may have been sprawling but to her it was a cage. The soaring surrounding buildings were the walls of her prison, the faceless windows the guards who kept her there. Are we not all prisoners? So was her mother’s excuse – stop, don’t go back there – but now her brother was one and she was too; they all were – her mother of drink and her brother of brutality and stone walls and iron bars, and she of the memory of a blustery autumn day beneath the tree by the river.

She tramped along in the middle of the crowd, being knocked on either side by strangers, as though they had a vendetta against her – you mustn’t take these things so personally, darling – but it was personal, mother; no rage can be that unfeeling, no malicious glee – a young boy’s specialty – can be that uncaring. The woman next to her wore a coat, and from the corner of her eye she noticed the colour, a blue so vibrant it stood out in all its vivaciousness and regality. The woman had a coffee in one hand and a handbag clutched tightly in the other. She looked at her watch, the weight of a deadline and office politics on her shoulders.

The crowd stopped as one before a pedestrian crossing, shifting from foot to foot, toes tapping, hurry up, hurry up. The scarlet blared and the traffic jolted to a stop on command, ordered by the flicker of a light to halt its momentum while life passed by in front of it. The bitumen crunched beneath her boots, she could hear it over the sound of traffic and horns and lives being lived without her. A man with a poppy-red rose in his lapel – why poppy? Those brave boys and stronger women wouldn’t be proud, the gutters are trenches strewn with rotted memories – the man walked past and glanced at her, fiddled with his rose – a canker bloom, a truth gone sour, a rose by any other name would still smell as bitter. He was gone. So was she.

She stepped onto the curb, tried to rid herself of the melancholia which had transmitted itself from stranger to stranger in that crowded mass, but it seeped into her pores, her very essence, all that she was and ever would be. She looked into the shop windows, the soothing therapy of materialism, but all she could see was a giant Rolex watch, trapped in a single everlasting moment. The mannequins in the window stared at her blankly – as blank as her mother’s face had been as she begged for her to understand, to listen, but instead she took one last drag of her cigarette, just as she would years later outside a courtroom surrounded by photographers – did she have a comment? An excuse for the despicable being she called a son? The question hung in the air like smog, or maybe it was just her disdain rising from the cigarette in tendrils, along with her health and whatever emotions she had left. However, she hurried along. She had somewhere to be.

The clock struck eleven. Chiming; chiming; chiming – would it ever end? It struck for an eternity, while life withered and time continued to take its victims, the ultimate executioner – tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. The past will cut short the future; cut it with the sharp blade of disappointment, an intake of breath like a dagger through the windpipe, the bottomless pit in her stomach a heavy emptiness. The words lapped against the inside of her lips; she wanted to shout them into the void but didn’t; no-one would hear or care.

She merely kept walking, no destination now – did she even have one before? She wandered aimlessly, losing track of time, putting one foot in front of the other, occasionally looking up only to look back down again when a stranger glared at her – how dare she raise her head? How dare she attempt to face the world? She couldn’t take it; she ran, and ran, and ran, eventually reaching a park bench just as the time reverberated through the city. Midday. Here she was, standing in a foreign land on the other side of the world; she was no-one and nothing and so everyone and everything.


SARAH RANDALL is a young writer from Melbourne, Australia. She completed her Honours degree in Literary Studies from Deakin University in 2015. Sarah also received her Bachelor of Arts in Professional and Creative Writing in 2014. She has previously been published in Imagine Journal, and was nominated for the Judith Rodriguez Prize. Sarah currently contributes to Avenoir Mag and Lip Mag.

Shadeborn

Helia

Year 30 of King Rhiodri’s reign

 

K’vahl crept towards the edge of the cliff. His bare feet made no sound in the darkness. Below him, the great road was alight with rows of torches set into the dirt at measured intervals. If K’vahl peered to the right or left, he would see the torchlights shrinking into pinpricks, converging together on the horizon. He could only imagine how the great road would look to an owl flying above: a long, sinuous, fire-lit road winding its way throughout the entirety of the kingdom; a major vein connecting all twenty domains to the King’s hilltop city.

Along the stretch of road beneath him, a caravan from the I’lon Domain bearing wool and sheep’s cheese had camped for the night, having fortified themselves against the malevolence of the night with blessed prayer sheets sewn outside their tents. Nocturnal fire-bearers paced along the perimeter of the road, tending to their fire and watching over the sleeping I’lon nobles and their entourage. One of the fire-bearers yawned and batted at a moth that had flown too close to his face. The moth evaded the hand and fluttered back to the fire, dancing around it in little loops.

Settling himself more comfortably on the stone ledge, K’vahl tried to imagine his oldest friend, Torc, sitting beside him in the dark. Recently, all he could conjure was an adolescent boy with butter-yellow hair cut across his forehead in a horrendous bowl shape. He had the common brown eyes of the lower folk and a habit of touching people too freely. But K’vahl could not remember his face.

Why do moths fly at night when they seem to love the light so? he asked the faceless boy beside him.

This again? The boy shrugged. Maybe the fire’s only pretty when it’s dark.

An older Torc waggled his brows suggestively across a bonfire where rabbit meat sizzled on a spit. Maybe the moth thinks the fire is an attractive lady-moth and he’s dancing his little courtship dance?

That’s absurd, K’vahl thought.

A movement in the shadows of the camp caught K’vahl’s attention. He leaned forward, the image of Torc dissipating, and counted the fire-bearers guarding the occupied stretch of road. All were accounted for. That meant the figure creeping in the dark was one of the Lost, like K’vahl. No one from the I’lon caravan would dare to leave the safety of their tents, not even to relieve themselves – they had bladder skins and chamber pots for that.

K’vahl watched with interest as the small, dark figure snuck past the wagonload of wool without taking anything from it. What kind of scavenger is this? The image of Torc snickered beside him. The figure seemed female; wearing a long, straight dress, the skirt hitched up in one hand at the front. When she passed by the wagon K’vahl knew contained basketfuls of cheese wrapped in oil-paper – they had distributed some of it to the fire-bearers several hours ago – without pausing to take any, K’vahl knew that something strange was at hand.

As soon as the woman disappeared into the treeline, K’vahl crept away from the cliff’s edge and made haste back down into the forest, his eyes adjusting immediately to seeing in the dark. She seemed to be heading in the direction of the stream. K’vahl needed to cut her off before she came too near his cave and decided that the spot was worth fighting him for. K’vahl had met desperate, nearly feral, Lost before and that easy slope towards savagery had seemed to touch all of their kind equally.

Leaping lightly over a root, K’vahl nearly stepped on a flower bearing six bulbous petals and a gourd-like center. He jerked back, heart skipping a beat, then continued on, giving the flower a wide berth.

Arriving on silent feet halfway between the stream and the road, the point where he had estimated she would be by now, K’vahl tried to listen for the stranger’s presence and found nothing. He stilled and listened again. There it was, coming from behind the trunk of the gigantic silverbark: a muffled tread, as if the stranger had bound their feet in furs turned inside out.

K’vahl inched towards the tree, considering again how he ought to greet the stranger. Perhaps a warning of his presence would be more considerate? He broke a twig under his bare heel as he rounded the tree trunk, the crack sounding loud in the forest. “I mean you no harm, friend,” he said.

A young girl looked up at him with large, vaguely curious eyes. A fox lay at her feet, its eyes closed. She was bent over something at the base of the tree. When she straightened to face him, K’vahl saw that her hands were filled with a bouquet of six-petaled flowers, the centers rising into a gourd-like shape.

K’vahl stumbled back in horror. “Drop it! Drop it!” he cried.

The girl jumped and flinched but did not drop the poisonous flowers. She stared back at him vacantly. The fox at her feet did not stir from its slumber.

K’vahl looked between the girl, the fox, and the flowers in her hand. “Let the flowers go, little lady,” he said finally, taking in her attire. She wore the ankle-length dress of highborn, unmarried women; the shoulders gathered together with gleaming metal clasps. She seemed to be about twelve or thirteen; young enough to be a child, but old enough to wear a woman’s garment. A thin wire of gold encircled one bare arm, the shade of it just barely visible to K’vahl’s adaptive sight. She was not one of the Lost, but an I’lon noble.

When she did not respond, he stepped closer tentatively. “May I have your name?” he said. A faint touch at his shoulder stopped K’vahl from advancing further. He turned and found the image of his grandfather standing at his elbow, tall and straight-backed, his dark beard streaked silver. It is better not to know her name, his grandfather said. You know well that there is nothing you can do for her. The poison spores have already infected her blood.

K’vahl stared at the girl as she turned around and began to pluck flowers once more. The fox at her feet had not moved an inch since K’vahl had come upon them. It is dead, was his first thought, then: it looks at peace. Beside him, a tree branch swayed in the mild breeze, the tip of it brushing his shoulder.   

“What brings you here?” he asked, circling carefully around so that he was in her line of sight once more. “Will your family not come looking for you?”

She threw away a few withered flowers and moved to another spot.

“Are you not wary of the dark?” he asked again, not expecting an answer now, but he could not bring himself to leave. “The god of light is asleep; he cannot protect you from the spirits of the night. Or did your family not teach you such things?”

She paused and looked at him. “Will you harm me then, spirit?” she said

“What?” He stiffened.

She dropped her bundle of flowers and began to approach him. He backed away, step for step.

“Will you harm me, spirit?” she said again.

“I am no spirit,” he said, glancing back quickly to avoid tripping over a fallen branch.

“Are you not?” She looked him up and down, her eyes coming to life with a disconcerting mix of curiosity and delight.

K’vahl became conscious that he stood in a shaft of moonlight.

“You have one head, two arms, two legs, and your torso is very fine, however – “ She stopped abruptly and swayed.

“Sit down, little girl,” he said. “You must be tired.”

She sat down with a heavy thump, not once taking her eyes off of him. “However,” she repeated, “your hair shines white like an old man, even though the rest of you seems to be made of pretty youth.” She laughed suddenly behind her hand. “As pretty as the finest suitors my father can find!”

K’vahl felt torn between taking offense or being flattered. Pretty? “Did you have many suitors?” he asked.

“What brings you here, sir?” she said, echoing K’vahl’s earlier words. “It is dark. The god of light is asleep beyond the mountains.”

K’vahl stared at her for a long moment. Too many answers crowded his mind, waiting to be voiced. “I live in the dark,” he finally said. He swallowed, muscles tensing to run, but he stood where he was. “The god of light dislikes me.”

“Why would he?” she said. “I like you.” And then she could talk no more.

The image of Torc watched with him as she gasped soundlessly, opening her mouth like a caught fish thrown onto land. When she began to spasm, K’vahl turned and ran.

*

He jolted awake to the thunder of horse’s hooves outside his cave. The King’s Jackals? Heart racing, he scrambled off his bed of leaves to press an ear to the ground, the stone cool under his flushed skin. He closed his eyes and counted ten horses circling nearby. Ten meant a full company of vermin hunters combing the forest for signs of Lost. Why were they here now when they had just finished a routine check in K’vahl’s territory half a season ago and declared it clean?

You simply ran away last night without covering your tracks. Torc sat leaning against the cave wall across from him, one leg extended. I thought you were clever.

The I’lon girl! K’vahl thought. Her family must have gone in search of her around daybreak and found her body where K’vahl had left her. Some commoner versed in tracking game must have seen his tracks and known it for what it was. K’vahl had left foot marks instead of sandal marks; deeper imprints on the balls of the feet and a lack of stumbling must have indicated that he had been running and familiar with the lay of the land. Leaves and forest debris would have collected lightly on his tracks in the same amount they would have collected on the little girl’s body by the time they found her. Most of all, it would have been the lack of blood on his footprints that would have truly identified them as tracks made by one of the Lost. What other class of people developed calloused feet?

You should not have stayed to watch over a stranger’s death. His grandfather stood at the mouth of the cave, looking out at the rocks beyond. You would not have been so careless if you had not made yourself so distraught. You lost your head.

“There is no undoing what is done”, he muttered as he began to hear the soldiers themselves, exchanging muffled words to each other, getting closer and closer to his cave. He took up his only spear and rose to a crouch, listening intently. His heart slowed, and he took the long, steady breaths of a hunter. There was a reason he had chosen this shallow cave to spend the season in, beyond the comfort of being sheltered against wind, rain, and daylight in the lee of the jagged cliffside where thick moss grew in clumps and thorned vines partially covered the mouth.

The area used to be a channel where a small portion of the Kingsbath branched off westward into streams that eventually fed into a still existing pool underground that K’vahl had discovered some time ago. Now the channel was only filled with rocks and low-lying shrubbery, the incline towards the mouth of his cave descending steeply, filled with loose rocks of varying sizes. The treacherous footing meant that, should Jackals ever try to approach K’vahl in his home, they would be forced to dismount, tether their horses, and climb down slowly, leaving K’vahl enough time to scramble away through the rocks that he knew far better than they.

As long as they do not corner me in this deathtrap of a cave, he thought. Or let arrows fly from the high ground above. But Jackals never used bows, preferring the glamour of swords to utilizing a Commoner’s hunting tools. So here I am, awaiting the Jackals in what ought to be the least defensible place. All possible because they disdained the bow. K’vahl quirked his lips, feeling a strange humour take hold of him.

Of course, all strategy would be moot if they never climbed down into the dried channel to investigate. But from the way the hoofbeats had just fallen silent, K’vahl knew they were about to do so, leaving, if they had enough sense to think of it, at least one man mounted and ready to pursue. One man, he thought, hefting his spear and inching closer to the mouth of the cave, I can halt with a well-aimed throw.

And then he was staring into the eyes of a four-legged creature, its shape dark against the daylight outside. It seemed like the common fennec fox, with the same long, thin face, and dark, liquid eyes, but shorter of ear, and much, much larger. It stood at a height with K’vahl’s face as he crouched there, frozen in shock. A jackal. The King’s Jackals, employing their namesake to scent out the game the way commoners trained their foxes to do! He nearly choked on the hysterical laugh that bubbled up from his chest.

Blocking his only way out of the cave, the brindled animal opened its snout, seeming to smile at him, a long pink tongue lolling out briefly before it threw its head back and let out a high, whining call that sounded like a bard’s broken reed flute.

K’vahl broke out of his daze at the sound and rushed it, spear in hand, the shock and terror of being caught unawares flooding out all his previous calm. It snapped at him with long, sharp teeth, but K’vahl’s spear was already buried in its side, the force of his thrust propelling the jackal past the cave’s mouth.

Shouts rose up. K’vahl stared at his empty hand, realizing that he had gripped his spear like a dagger, all training forgotten, and lost his only weapon that way. Through the curtain of thorned vines, K’vahl saw the men of the company converging in haste towards his cave. For a moment he felt despair overtake him. With surprise on his side, he could have taken on a single man on a horse with a thrown spear, or two in close quarters. But all of them?

Do you see that space between you and them? Torc whispered in his ear. The image raised a brown-skinned hand to point outside. Nine Jackals advanced across the rocks towards K’vahl, clad in leather armor, naked swords gleaming in their hands. Two were closer than the others, converging on the cave mouth from either side. That space means. . .

I can still run! K’vahl thought as he burst out into blinding daylight with a shout. Let them chase this hare!


ELAINE LAY is a first-generation Canadian with a Filipino and Chinese background. She is studying Creative Writing at Vancouver Island University in Nanaimo, BC. and holds a Bachelor’s degree in English Literature from Dalhousie University. Her work has been published in Ricepaper Magazine and The Navigator. She is a recipient of the 2015 Arts Achievement Award, hosted by the Nanaimo Arts Council.