Jackyo

They said he came out of the wide, open sky like an eagle, and they said he screamed low and flat and fast over the scrubby hills of Wyoming. Before he crashed and became all rubble and smoke and faint fire, etched against a tall mountain of dark clouds. Like mourning at dusk.

The coyotes found him first.

Then the ranchers in their Ford Broncos and their four wheelers.

The Air Force shipped him home across the great land-locked spaces of prairie, of Kansas and Iowa. In Air Force regulation issue, eight feet by  three feet of burnished, ornamental gray metal.  His lips stapled into a half smile. At the jokes the train men told the honor guard named Delbert who sat in the corner reading HUSTLER.

No one present knew about the thin blue scar on his upper lip. Where I hit him with a piece of brick in an old summer, over an old girl, named Linda Sue or Julianna..

*                                                   *                                           *

            We stood in the station, three A.M.  Sunday morning.

No Savior in sight.

They brought down the box, and his mother said, “My boy is home.” And I said, “Wild Man.” And my brother said, “Jackyo.”  And the train man said, “Watch them sharp corners. You’ll lose a finger.”

We took him to Cates Funeral Emporium where “Dignity Is Our Business.”

Luther Cates said, “That make up job is a botch.”

I said , “Maybe he don’t care.”

We put him in the Oriental Room where never an Oriental had walked , spoken or lain .  The Air Force bars were on fire, reflecting the candles set in sixes.

*                                                   *                                                            *

            The next day the town came. The cloying smell of toilet water and sweet talcum. Women in print dresses from Penney’s,  the men stiff and pinch- faced in twice a year suits, collars tight around red necks.

They watched him being dead, and they mostly talked about the tobacco firing yellow in the late summer fields.  How them new Buicks  were death traps, how Jimmy Loney got no visitors at the La Grange Reformatory after he stole that Catholic poor box.

Old lady Pritchett and her mother Ladonna went to the baskets of flowers and read the cards, oohing and aahing in soft exclamations.

“This one is from Freida and Eddie. I thought they was dead,” said Ladonna, pulling at a raveling on her mother’s green dress.

*                                                   *                                                            *

            I smiled at my brother. He shook his head.

The people sitting there in rows  were not there the night we got drunk at the Star Light Drive In on Sterling long necks.  When Jacky barfed on the windshield of a Methodist boy named Marvin,  who locked his doors and told his date he did not like to hurt drunks.  Or the next day when we played touch football in the park with brain rot hangovers, where we jumped and screamed and danced like fools on the edge of a vast abyss.  For we were young and golden, and we thought the signs which said, “JESUS WILL COME, LET’S BE READY!” meant somebody else.

Now the organist tested the pedals.  Then played sappy and dreadful.   “Going Down the Valley” and “Where the Roses Never Fade.”

Brother Hurt  Murphy , his jowls hanging fat and heavy , moving in a cloud of Aqua Velva,  said, “Let us bury our brother in Christ.”

And my brother smiled again , as we remembered the careless girls and  wild hearts, fleeing before any moon, peeing  off bridges, daring the gods that be to fish or cut bait.

We knew everything and suspected nothing, Mr. Dylan Thomas’ “young princes of the apple towns.”

*                                                          *                                                           *

            Then out into the dense, humid air, we carried him to the hearse.  Eight slow miles toward the cemetery and that grave like a muddy mouth. My brother chewed Juicy Fruit  and popped his knuckles.  I watched two nine-year-olds seining for crawdads where the creek breaks under the County Line Bridge.  I saw the stripper pits where we

jumped off cliffs into the green cold water and yelled “Don’t let a turtles bite your dick.”

The road slipped by which led to Wimpy Carson’s river cabin, where we fried frog legs at midnight.  Where we watched two water moccasins , coiled in a ball, bite themselves to death. Where we dreamed wild, extravagant dreams, sweet like peaches on the tongue.

At the Mount Hopewell cemetery, we stood under the brooding shadow of an old water oak.  Stood over the gaudy, fake grass.  We looked into the deep darkness of the grave, where your jump shot does you no good and the worms eat you up like Christmas.

The honor guard fired into the air.

His mother fainted, and two women caught her and they used smelling salts.  They talked in hushed whispers and told her, “that she would understand it better by and by.”

*                                                   *                                                            *

The coffin went away, and we compressed ourselves forward momentarily, as though the last view of a cheap coffin might make something very clear.

From another part of the cemetery, a sixteen year old rode a Toro, and the music from his radio drifted on the air in wind swept tinklets.

“Wi-i-l-l-d  Hor-r-r-s-ses couldn-n-t drag-g me-e aw-a-ay,” Mick Jagger told us all. All of the doubters, all of the weepers, all the lost losers.

The mourners swarmed among each other like large, whispering insects, consoling and declaring.

“Now we see through a glass darkly.”

“It is a part of God’s plan.”

“He’s gone from this veil of tears.”

Then they went off down the hill. Back to the line of cars.

His mother went back to her house, where the tables were loaded with fried chicken and meat loaf, pickled beets and potato salad,  to a cabinet covered with jam cakes and apple pies. Went home to his picture there on the mantle with his sideways smile: Captain Jack Barrett, U.S. Air Force.

The sun declined toward the west. My brother and I walked in empty circles, gave each other half grunts and sighs.  We watched Willie Bumpus, the cemetery custodian, who drank from an unsecretive bottle , as he  pressed the last shovelful of dark loam into the symmetrical mound.  Then he crawled onto his old red belly Ford tractor and took the backhoe to the utility shed in the woods over the hill.

I sat on a tombstone addressed to DARCY YATES, OUR LITTLE LAMB, HOME IN THE FOLD.

*                                                   *                                                            *

My brother threw walnuts at a ground squirrel.

It was almost dark. I decided to tell him.

“Jackyo’s dead.”

He shook his head once, and then , “Yeah. Jesus. Sweet Jesus”

We walked back to the car in the shadow of a newly risen moon.


Jim Gish has been a Greyhound bus driver, a farm hand, a law student, a college instructor and a counselor in his strange life. His oldest daughter has a PhD from Harvard, and his youngest is finishing her PhD at the University of Cincinnati. Jim began writing when he was twelve years old and found out that little girls would sit with him on the bus. Gish lives in Arcanum, Ohio, and he is married to a retired computer programmer. He has won national awards from Phoebe, The Whiskey Review  and Lunchtime Stories

The Supermarket Artist

“What would you like?”

“Uh, whatever you want. You got these windows so a vampire, or mummy, or anything really. Have you never done this before?”

“I have. Some people ask for specific things.”

“Ok, holler if you need anything.”

Jorg set about taping the windows beginning with the words. He lied. Nobody’s asked for anything ever. Besides liking bunnies for Easter and a pot o’ gold for St. Patrick’, it was Jorg’s job to read the mind of the calendar. He pinned for new subject matter. His talent as a draftsman, however, paralleled his imaginativelessness as an inceptor. He was a commission artist and needed a subject assigned to begin.

Jorg’s mind went for a stroll and it returned, lo, its signature read “Hollow Halloween”. Eh, “Happy” seemed antithetical for all the wrong reasons. Hmm, since Jorg had already botched, why not go all the way?

“What is that?!”

“It’s Saturn Devouring his Child.”

“Saturn?”

“Ya. You know Zeus? That’s his dad.”

“I don’t care whose dad it is! What’s it doing on the window?”

“This is a painting by Goya, the most Halloween artist there is. People in the know will eat this shit up. Everyone else will merely find it scary.”

“It’s too scary.”

“Trust me.”

The store manager shook his head but sighed in acquiescence.

“Ok, ok, everybody gather in. Several of you have had inquiries about the window art so I’m going to give you a quick rundown. Saturn Devouring his Child is by the Spanish painter Francesco Goya born 1746-1828. Goya painted Saturn during his Black Paintings period; you can tell customers it’s appropriate we’d have Saturn on our window since Goya hung the picture in his dining room and ate in front it. He was the court painter for a brief period, but fate turned against him, striking him deaf from a fever…”

“Deaf from God probably. If I saw a dude paint that, I’d curse him too.”

“Do we really have to know this?”

“Yes! If a customer has a question I want it answered.”

“They can just look it up.”

“I know they can look it up. What I want is service. Ok, I’d like to talk briefly about the Napoleonic Wars…”

Jorg was right. He received a call from the management saying that they’d received many compliments on the Goya, and would he be interested in being the store’s resident window artist?

Thanksgiving. He knew he should do a damn Rockwell turkey, but resisted so. Pilgrim art, too, would be difficult without a metaphorical germ sneaking in. He decided on impulse to do Pieter Bruegel the Elder’s Peasant Wedding. He thought that sales in pie crusts and puddings would ensue, but he was wrong.

BEABON KNOLL PRESS

Letter to Green Apple Management,

Dear Green Apple Management,

 We on the hill are thrilled upon seeing the prolific Saturn Devouring His Child on your window for October, it was widely admired by all. But I regret to inform you that the enthusiasm for Saturn is twice-fold negative for your current Peasant Wedding, and the reasons for indignation are thus:

It seems very suspicious that the artist has chosen to turn their back on the subject of November, that of Thanksgiving. Does the painter wish to circumvent the holiday with this 16th century Flemish wedding? If an artist sends anti-Thanksgiving messages on the walls of a store that sells Thanksgiving commodities, who’s in turn the hypocrite? Us, the store, the painter, or the painting?

Who are these peasants? It is the opinion of many that it is we. This malign thought hits different classes of the neighborhood differently, but all Beabonites are unanimous in finding it distastefully puzzling. Rather than the gratitude and reflection of Thanksgiving we are given this un-American (Thanksgiving it seems is second in patriotism after the 4th) proto-Marxist icon of Flemish art? Social criticism like such is better transformed into action i.e. donation bins and can drives. But Bruegel? Green Apple employees have commented that patrons arriving in Bentley’s have been seen driving off.

The fiercest complaints we at the press have received were naturally from the Catholic community whose church isn’t half a block away from the painting. They take any advertisement of protestant iconography as a subliminal attack on their beliefs. “One cannot buy bread,” I quote one letter, “without thinking, ‘these people not only decapitated statues but kept them around’.”

It’s not difficult to imagine the artist’s obduracy towards turkeys and pilgrims in a neighborhood that galvanizes vegetarian alternatives as well as respect for the image usage of Native Americans. Why the artist did not settle for a still life, is what’s so nettlesome. An autumnal Constable would have sufficed easily.

We, therefore, ask you to take down your display and give us something we can be thankful for.

-The Editor

Jorg scrapped away the mural late at night and assumed he was all but through. A few days before December he received a call from Green Apple Management.

“Are you still going to paint December?”

“Even after that scathing editorial?”

“Hell, it only got us more business.” Jorg heed and hawed. “Don’t you see you’re turning a whole community onto something they’d otherwise not have much interest in? You can’t stop now.”

“What should I do?”

“Whatever you want?”

To sidestep the scared and focus on what’s secular is to imbue the stand-in referent with untapped spiritual energy. Representations of the secular are imbued with the sacred made all the more palpable by its censored exterior. Are not Christmas lights in the distance orbs of Chanukah candles glowing? Do we not see in Santa the natural aging of Jesus the Christ?

In a bold move Jorg settled on Caravaggio’s Adoration of the Shepard’s but decide to replace the characters with their irreligious counterparts. He turned the shepherds into Mr. Frost and two elves, Santa as Joseph, and Mrs. Clause holding a Cabbage Patch doll like the motherly Mary; an umber Rudolph in the background, a dab of carmine for the unlit beacon.

Jorg didn’t want to hear the reaction this time. He got a new phone and unsubscribed from the Beabon Hill mailing list. Secretly he was banking on the demographic of dudes. It was only by inadvertently eavesdropping on strangers sitting in front of him on the bus that he heard his only review:

“It was like, totally crazy. So, I was one my way to Gina’s house, and I was walking by the Green Apple and like, there was this crowd outside the store, and apparently the guy who painted that monster for Halloween, you know, he’d been using famous paintings, and so for Christmas he did some religious piece and used Santa and his friends. And there were their two guys and one was saying, ‘Don’t you see, it’s the Virgin Mary as Mrs. Clause, her husband Santa as Joseph, with Christ as the ultimate gift.’ And then the other guy’s like, ‘Man, that ain’t a baby let alone our savior, it’s a doll, everybody knows Santa’s sterile. So what do they do? Adopt the worlds’ children and spend a year making each one a present.’ it wasn’t till St. Nickolas was penned that the Son finally returned via a poem.’ ‘What about naughty kids?’ ‘They get fuel for winter ‘cause where they’re living is poorly heated.’ And then this other guy’s like, ‘Shit like this shouldn’t even be in the public sphere! First he paints us as peasants then he…’ But then I was too far away so I couldn’t hear. He was pretty drunk though.  But when I got to Gina’s house she had the radio on and they said that someone had smashed the window…” They got off.

The Newspaper’s account concurred with Gina’s friends’ story! His much prided Caravaggio was raptured to smithereens by rowdy grocers. The cause of the riot was unstated, but many think it was the inflammatory window art.

Jorg was relieved and surprised when commissions started rolling in from all over town. A guitar shop asked for a Watteau, a hair salon commissioned, not three, but four Pre-Raphaelites (Jorge found these pictures of long haired women in a barber shop ironic. “It’s called layering. Just paint the window.”) a bridal shop needed an obligatory Chagall, even Tar-get asked for a Jasper Johns. But what shocked him most was to learn that his Green Apple contract still stood.

Jorg felt like hot shit when his pastiche mechanism suddenly faltered. He yelled at a bowl of cereal, “January’s just fireworks!”

And true to Goggle Image’s testimony, January begins and ends after the 1st. Jorg had no heart for fireworks. He’d done them before; they look like connect-the-dot streamers. His mind’s eye ogled Bronzino’s, Venus, Cupid, Folly, and Time, but its creepy mannerism would make shoppers self-conscious about their purchasing habits. He kept time as his theme and settled on Holbein’s The Ambassadors. To lend it community he’d use two of the grocers for the models. For the mise-en-scène display he’d showcase some of the sales of the month, for the anamorphic skull, a green apple.

Jorg was rather jazzed about the piece when he got a call from management requesting a cartoon. Jorg found the demand a bit audacious. He was then summoned to a meeting where he quickly perceived his fall from favor. The chairman of the panel said, “We have the cartoon you submitted and we all think it would be a serious misstep and probably lead to another riot. Jorg, we’d like to give you a month or two off and let you gather yourself. We thank you for pointing out to us the potential of window design but now we need to better manage the application of such a volatile force.”

A few days later Jorg-in disguise went to buy some eggs and saw his replacement putting up the next installation: Magritte’s Son of Man with a friggin’ bite out of it. He heard the window artist telling a shopper, “The place is called Green Apple and the guy hadn’t done the most famous Granny Smith of all time? Sheesh, I’d riot too.”

Jorg fell out of fashion once word spread that the grocers had turned him out. He scrapped by making moldy Warhol’s for banana bread packaging and other base gigs.

His door made that knocking sound and two Italians juggernauts in black suits said,

“You Jorg?”

“I am he.”

“We heard you used a picture of Caravaggio for your own gain, eh?” The other punched Jorg in the stomach. “Nobody uses Michelangelo pictures without our consent. Nobody!”

“We’re showing you our benevolence because the Bruegel boys were looking for you too, and we told them we were going take care of you.”

Through the shutter of slugging arms, Jorg looked at the sunlight in the trees.

Jorg never covered a masterpiece again, but his legacy got a notable nod when a renowned art critic said he’s stopped by Beabon Hill and was astounded at the visual literacy he encountered. He claimed to have overheard a group of skateboarders discussing The Labyrinth with the conversation taking a turn toward Albrecht Durer, Bosch, and how the success of the movie lay in its heavy-handed referencing of the rich history of devils in Germanic and Dutch art. “Once they heard I was an art critic,” he said in an interview, “the whole neighborhood turned out to ask me questions. I was amazed.”


Gabriel Congdon lives in Seattle where he is one of the creators of the web-series &@. His work is work is forthcoming from No Extra Words Podcast and his play The Biz can be found on A Pocketful of Plays.

 

On the Edge of Black Lake

Donnie’s mother had been seeing this old guy named Cecil for a couple months before she finally bothered to say something to Donnie about it. Cecil had been a marine during the First World War. He came back from France a sergeant, and some years after that he killed a guy with a horseshoe. It was something about a girl, she told Donnie. He spent 22 years at the Oregon State Pen for what he did. It was a long time ago.

“So I don’t want to hear it,” Wilma said. “He’s eighty-two, and he carries an oxygen tank with him. He’s harmless.”

“That’s fine Ma,” he said.

“I’m a grown woman.”

“I never said you weren’t.” Donnie didn’t want to sink into an argument with her, not over some old ex-con who was probably a few steps away from the end of his life. The whole thing made him uneasy, for sure. Wilma wasn’t a rotten mother, but she made a lot of rotten choices when it came to men, Donnie’s father included. Guys came and went in her life like appliance repairmen, most of them leaving her even worse off by the time they were through with her. But the subject of Wilma and Her Men was one that Donnie learned to keep out of a long time ago.

“He changed out my light switch, and I didn’t even ask him to,” she said. “What’s that tell you about him?”

“It’s good, Ma,” Donnie said. “This guy Cecil sounds just fine.”

Donnie’s mother was staying in one of the Black Lake Cabins, the dozen or so fishing cottages left over from the days when the lake had water, before it was drained and a Red Apple supermarket was thrown up on the dry bed. He had gotten her into the one farthest back from the gate, where the fences came together near the grocery delivery bay. Just down the street from the Social Security office and right on the bus line, the place was the perfect spot for her. She had given up driving some months earlier, now that she couldn’t see much past twenty yards anymore. Besides, the long lines at the gas stations were making her half crazy, and the dates were so confusing, she was never sure if she was supposed to fill up on an odd or an even day.

The cabins were drafty as ice shacks and had about five layers of roofing tacked on top, but they were decent enough. A cluster of welfare apartments came to the tree line just off the side of her cabin, and now and then a woman or teenaged kid would come running through, cussing and crying, sometimes half-dressed and barefooted, usually drunk or high. Every Tuesday night a diesel street sweeper roared up and down the length of the empty Red Apple parking lot from midnight to one, but Wilma assured Donnie she had earplugs for that.

Winos sometimes came around to dig through the garbage cans, or go door-to-door, asking to wash windows or pull weeds in exchange for a couple bucks or a beer. This didn’t seem to bother her any, but there was one guy who had been hanging around her shed quite a bit, tugging on the doors and picking at the windowpanes, trying to get inside. When she told Donnie about him, there was strain in her voice that Donnie was used to hearing, so he didn’t think much of it.

“What kind of guy is he?” Donnie asked. He was already halfway through a six-pack and not in the mood to make the drive over to his mother’s place.

“What do you mean, ‘What kind of guy is he’?” She breathed into the phone, deep and rattled. “He’s a kid, probably on drugs. I don’t want him messing with my shed.”

Donnie lay back on the sofa, and stared up at the water-spotted ceiling. “I could come out, if you want,” he sighed, the offer floating like a day old party balloon.

Wilma cleared her throat. “It’s fine,” she said. “Cecil went out there last time he was here and took care of it.”

Donnie felt the edge of cut glass in his mother’s voice, like always, when it came to someone else taking on a job that Donnie ought to be doing. “He took care of it,” Donnie repeated. “How’d he do that?”

“I wasn’t standing right there,” she said. “He had words with him.”

“That’s it?” Donnie got up from the sofa. He had a hard time picturing an eighty year-old man standing nose-to-nose with a junkie.  “What’d he say to him?”

“How the hell should I know?” she said. “Something. It don’t matter. Cecil’s old, but he can stand his ground.”

Donnie went back to the fridge and took another beer from the rack. Maybe this Cecil wasn’t so bad after all. It could be handy to have someone like him around, him and that air tank.

“If you ever see him, I don’t want you asking about the prison thing,” she warned. “He wouldn’t want me saying anything to you. And besides, it’s water under the bridge.”

“I’m not an idiot, Ma,” he said. “I got some sense.”

“I’m just telling you.” And then as she was about to hang up she brought up the vermin. It came out of nowhere, as if she’d snatched it from the air before it could get away.

“Goddamned rats,” she said. “Got into the pantry on the porch again, made a mess all over.”

“You call Max?” The question came as something of a reflex. Max What’s-His-Name, more a ghost than a landlord.

“He ain’t picking up.”

Donnie worked his fingers at his temples. The heat rolled up his back and over his neck. “Put some poison in there and give it a week,” he told her. “If it’s rats, that’ll be the end of it.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure. That’s how it works.”

She pushed air through her teeth, the sound of her having had it up to here with something. “I hope to hell you’re right. Next thing they’ll be in the kitchen, and then I’ll be on your front stoop.”

Donnie told her what to get and how to find it in the grocery store, and then he hung up and forgot about the whole thing. In fact, he didn’t give it another moment’s thought until maybe a week later, when the phone rang some twenty minutes into the Channel 11 late movie.

He put down his beer and pushed himself from the sofa, navigating the dropped clothes and empty pizza boxes, and an empty plastic soda bottle that lay between him the phone. It was a studio apartment, not much more than a pullout bed and a hotplate on a tile countertop. But that didn’t mean it was easy to keep clean. He was busy, and things had a way of piling up pretty quickly. He picked up the phone on the fourth ring.

“Donnie?” It was a voice he didn’t recognize, a man.

“Who’s this?”

“It’s your mom’s friend, Cecil. What’re you doing?”

“I’m watching a movie,” Donnie said, leaning to get a look at the screen. So this was Cecil. He sounded old.

“A movie, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s an old science fiction thing. War of the Worlds.”  

“I saw that. Tower Theater. Fresno, 1953. Gene Barry.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I’m calling to tell you, you need to get out here and take care of this situation at your mom’s.”

“What situation?”

“The smell that’s coming from under the house. She says it’s a rat, but I’m telling you it ain’t no rat.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. It’s that goddamned dog.”

Donnie pulled the curtain open over the sink. The window was dappled with raindrops and the pavement below was dark gray under the streetlamp, slick with water. “Mom doesn’t have a dog.”

“I know she ain’t got a dog. There’s this old gal here in the park, her lab mix went missing a few days ago. Had me driving her car all over town looking for the damned thing.” There was the sound of whispering through the earpiece, like a balloon giving off some air. “I’m thinking it must of got into something in the garbage, something it shouldn’t of. Crawled under your mom’s house to die.”

Donnie had a bad feeling about where this was going. The last thing he wanted to do was crawl around under the cabin. Besides, a lab mix would be a big dog.

“You sure about this?”

“I know that smell.”

He pressed the handset to his shoulder and rubbed his eyes. The subject of the rat poison occurred to him, and he almost mentioned it to Cecil but then he thought better of it. If there was one thing he had learned over the years, it was that some things were better kept quiet. He put the receiver back to his ear.   “Tomorrow’s my day off,” he said. Hauling heavy shit from warehouse shelves the loading dock was all he did most days. This was the last thing he needed.

There was no response at first, just the rumble of hard-won breathing at the other end of the line. “Hell,” Cecil said finally. “I’d go under there myself but I might never come back out again.”

It was after ten in the morning by the time Donnie finally found his way out the door, Mason jar of sugared coffee in hand, dressed in a heavy flannel shirt still smelling of solvent from the carburetor cleanout he’d done the weekend before. The Nova idled like a new clock, a cotton cloud of exhaust filling the driveway behind it.

He sank the jar into the cup holder and pulled out into the street, punching his Doobie Brothers cassette at the stop sign at the end block. He kept under the speed limit as he went, singing along and skipping over “Greenwood Creek” and “Beehive State” like always. The odor of axle grease and his own sweat wafted from the coveralls balled up on the floor beside him. His head was already pounding and he tried to push the image of the crawlspace from his mind, dank and putrid, bloated dog swarming with flies while Cecil the convict waved arms, probably knobby and tattoo-riddled, from behind his giant, torpedo-like oxygen tank.

Cecil had given Donnie a list of things he ought to pick up at the Ace Hardware on his way over, things that he’d need to move a dead dog from the crawlspace without it coming apart in his hands, and bury it in the vacant grove of cedars behind the cabins. Sturdy gloves (rubber), a cheap shovel, some garbage bags, a roll of Visqueen. A good-sized bag of quicklime that the young checkout girl eyeballed as she rang him up.

“Looks like you got a project ahead of you,” she said, chewing her gum as she talked.

“Yeah,” he sighed.  “Burying a dog.”

The girl leaned over the counter and peered into the cart. “That’s a lot of quicklime for a dog,” she said.

“It’s a big dog.”

By the time he pulled alongside Wilma’s cabin the rain was coming down pretty good. He killed the engine and tipped his forehead to the steering wheel, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The sound of drops on the metal roof filled the space and he concentrated on it, breathing in the smell of his own shirt, hoping for calm to wash over him, a kind of calm that listening to the rain from the under a roof usually brought. But the noise may as well have been a stopwatch tapping against in his head. They were in there, Wilma and Cecil. And there was no way to pretend that he wasn’t just sitting in his car, keeping them waiting for no good reason.  

The second he climbed out of the car the smell hit, a fishy, sour aroma that was more than garbage or rancid fruit. Donnie stopped, leaned against the fender, and put his hand to his nose. The tiny crawlspace opening glared back at him.

As bad as it was out of doors, inside was a thickness that made Donnie’s head swim. It wasn’t merely a slight odor emanating from the back bedroom or the sort of thing that might arouse suspicion that something wasn’t right. This was the kind of rot that could bring a search warrant.

Old Cecil sat at the kitchenette with his hands cupped around a coffee mug, the skin crepy and spotted with crude tattoos. His hair was thick and the color of butter, and it swept back over his head like it was melting down his neck. He nodded as Donnie came into the kitchen, plastic tubes straining over his jug ears.

“Can you smell it?” Wilma asked. The ponytail that jutted from the back of her head was a shade of brown that Donnie had not seen before. She was still in her blue quilted bathrobe, next to the cracked kitchen window, a cigarette pinched between her fingers. “When you first came in, did you smell it?”

“Yeah, I smelled it,” Donnie said. He angled a finger at Cecil and said to Wilma, “You shouldn’t smoke around that guy’s tank, Ma. You’ll blow this cabin right off the pilings.”

“Don’t tell me what to do in my own house.” Wilma stabbed her cigarette in Cecil’s direction, her bony arm reaching out of her sleeve. “He says it’s fine if I stay by the window, and I’m by the window.”

Donnie went to the cupboard and pulled down a mug. “I’m just looking out for you,” he said.

“You can look out for me by crawling under here and taking out whatever it is that’s stinking up the place.”

Cecil pulled the hose from his nostrils and leaned his head back. He took in a whistled breath, his lips curling in a clownish grin. “Yep,” he said finally in a gravelly exhale. “I sure as shit know that smell.”

Donnie poured coffee from the percolator and leaned against the counter, taking in the smoky aroma. He looked out the window and made a comment on the cold. Cecil said it was November after all and said something about the dog again, and then Wilma pushed air through her teeth. The moment and the smell hung together in the room, rank and pungent, and pretty soon Cecil looked up at the wall clock and cupped his hand under his nose. Donnie nodded at him, took a swig of coffee and poured the rest into the sink.

The needle-like thistle quills worked into his stomach as he dragged himself over the threshold, into the open mouth of the crawlspace. The moisture and the funk closed on him like he was dropping into a cesspool, the soil cold and mucky, working its way under his fingernails and sticking in clods over his knees as he moved. He kept to all fours, the floor joists scratching his back, the spot of his flashlight zipping through the dark as his hand swatted at cobwebs that clouded around him like cataracts.

Donnie stopped, pulled his collar up over his nose and mouth and took in a heavy breath, hot and damp and smelling of his own body. He passed the spotlight around the space, brushing it over posts and draping webs. The light invented silhouettes as it edged over beams and cinderblocks, black stripes falling in weird angles over the dirt floor, brushing potato bugs and centipedes as they scurried away. Shifting to one side, he aimed the light between two posts. In the far corner, the shadow fell over a dark mass huddled against the wall.

“There you are,” he said to no one.

He leaned back and pulled his gloves farther up over his wrists. It was a long way to drag a dead dog and, as Cecil had warned, the thing might come apart in his hands. The smell, strong like it was. It could be full of maggots and bugs and who knew what else. He stuck the handle of the flashlight in his mouth and pushed ahead.

Above him, the snubbed tones of a conversation crept though the boards, the creak of footsteps crossing from one side to the other. He thought of them up there talking about him, Cecil saying, Wasn’t it something that Donnie came all the way out there on his day off to take care of a dog that wasn’t even his?  Then Wilma would roll her eyes and shrug her shoulders, or do that thing with her finger, looping a circle in the air, as if anyone with half a brain and two legs could have done it.

He took hold of his flashlight and crawled slowly forward, as if moving too fast might disturb the dead animal that lay ahead. He hadn’t gone two feet before the light traced over the hard, black curve of a combat boot.

Donnie leaned against the siding, the rain running down his hair and soaking through to his shoulders. An unlit cigarette danced between his teeth, up and down, his heart drumming while his chest swelled under his flannel and he listened to the water rushing along the gutter and slurping into the downspout. In the Red Apple parking lot, tires hissed over asphalt.

The cops needed calling, but Wilma needed telling, and with the storm swirling in his head he couldn’t for the life of him place the importance of one in front of the other. He walked around and stood at the front window. Cecil was sitting in Wilma’s recliner watching television. Donnie climbed the steps and opened the door, putting his head inside.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey yourself.”

“Is my ma around?”

“She’s in the john,” Cecil said without looking over. There was a game show on the screen. Two people sat in chairs leaning into one other, snapping words back and forth as chimes sounded every few seconds. “How’d things go down there?”

Donnie heard the sound of water running in the bathroom. “It got complicated,” he said.

Cecil reached up and tugged at the tube under his nose. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Donnie looked back over his shoulder. The rain was falling in sheets now, pinging from the hood of his car and the cabin roofs, and pooling into a hundred tiny lakes throughout the parking lot.

He stepped in and closed the door behind him.  Cecil took the remote and reached his arm out, the skin hanging loose like silk. He drew down the volume on the television and shifted in his seat, leaning in toward Donnie. The edge of his lips pulled slightly and he peered at the window, out into the hard rain.

Wilma appeared from the back. She was dressed now, in loose fitting jeans and a checked blouse, like she was ready to go out on the town. “What’s going on?” she said. “You find the rat?”

Donnie came over and sat down on the sofa, across from Cecil, the coffee table separating their knees from one another. The old man’s eyes held Donnie’s, as if he was waiting for him to say something first. The smell was worse now, worse because now Donnie knew exactly what it was that was putting it out. The image was molded to his brain, the guy’s stick fingers curled at the knuckles, nails chewed to the cuticle. Lips crusted with yellow, almost fluorescent against the blue-gray of his skin.

“There’s a guy down there,” Donnie told her, just like that.

“The hell you say,” Cecil said.

Wilma stopped and put her hand against the wall. “What the hell do you mean a guy?” she said. “What’s he doing down there?”

“He ain’t doing nothing, Ma. He’s dead.”

“Jee-zus,” Cecil said. “You suppose it’s a bum or a wino, been sleeping under there?”  

Wilma circled around Cecil then and took hold of his arm, and the two of them looked at each other without saying anything. Donnie leaned back and looked out the window to his car. The cops needed to be called. Wilma moved to the sofa and sat next to him, a freshly lit cigarette clinging to her lips. She set the big clamshell ashtray on the coffee table in front of her.

“What’d he look like?” she asked. She pulled the cigarette from her mouth and set it in the tray.

Cecil said, “What’s it matter? This place has got bums and dopeheads coming in and out all hours of the day. One looks just like the other.”

“What’s he look like?” she repeated.

Donnie looked down at his shoes, worked to clear his head of the smell and the thought of the ex-convict sitting there, sucking air through those tubes, peering with yellow eyes from that ragged, cigarette-singed recliner. The guy’s hair had been matted, blond maybe. He had a beard, patchy and caked with some kind of residue. There was a jacket. Flannel, red. Maybe wool, and he was stretched out on a sheet of cardboard, a filthy blanket lying in the dirt next to him.

“I can’t remember,” he said. “He just looked like a guy.” He glanced up at Cecil. The old man took his gaze for only a second then looked away, at the television. “So I guess we should call the cops in, then,” Donnie said.

Cecil let out a groan and leaned forward in the chair. He fingered the gauge on his tank then tapped at it a few times. “Hold up on that,” he said. “I’m about dry here. Let me run home and swap this thing out first.” He got up from the chair, joints popping and breath whistling through his nose.

Donnie looked to his mom. Her hands were knitted together at her waist, one thumbnail picking at the other.  

“What do you say, Ma?” he asked. “You want to wait to call the cops until he gets back?”

“I wanna be here when they come,” Cecil said. “I don’t have but an hour or so left in this thing.”

Wilma kept on working at her fingers, not looking up. Cecil walked past Donnie and tugged at his sleeve before heading on out the door. Donnie followed him down the steps where Cecil stopped at the back end of the Nova. He rested his hand on the trunk.

“Buses quit running an hour ago,” he said. “I need to borrow your car if you don’t mind.”

“For what?”

“I told you. I gotta run home and swap out this tank here.” Cecil looked hard into Donnie’s eyes, stony. “You can drive me there yourself if you don’t trust me,” he said. “Leave your mom here alone. It’s fifteen minutes away, twenty tops.”

Donnie wanted to get a look at the gauge himself but he couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t accuse Cecil of being a liar. “You can’t wait till this is all over?” Donnie looked toward the crawlspace.

“If I stand here much longer there’ll be two bodies to haul away.” He pushed his hand out to Donnie. “He’s been down there awhile. What’s another hour?”

Wilma sat in a folding chair back from the crawlspace opening, a clear, plastic scarf tied down over her head. On her lap she held an old towel that she’d dug out of her linen closet. It was well past dark and spotting rain.

“I wanna see what he looks like,” she said, kneading the terrycloth. She told Donnie to shine his flashlight into the space, as if she could see the guy from where she was.

Donnie walked out into the open and looked up and down the gravel loop, at the parking lot entrance, at the other cabins with their draped windows glowing orange. When he turned the light onto her face, Wilma got up from the chair and took it from him.  

She squatted down on her haunches and leaned in close to the crawlspace mouth, pulling her scarf back from her forehead. Her head tilted from one side to another, like a bird watching the dirt twitch. When Donnie put his hand on her shoulder, she didn’t shake him off or anything. She just kept shining the spot into the opening and muttering to herself.

“Tell me what he looked like,” she finally said.

“He was just a guy, ma.”

“Tell me.”

Donnie settled into the folding chair and wiped his hands over his pants legs. He tried to piece together the face, the image of the body curled up like a sleeping child on a patchwork mattress of flattened cardboard.

“He’s young,” he said. “Beard. Blond hair, I guess.”

“What’s he wearing?” she asked, the spot of light trembling over the dirt floor.  

“Just dirty wino clothes,” he said. “These Army-type boots. Kind of a flannel jacket. Red flannel.”

Wilma turned her head, as if she hadn’t heard him clearly enough. “A red jacket?” she asked. “You sure?”

Donnie sucked in his breath, and scanned the image in his brain again. The dark pants, legs bent at the knees. Hands balled into fists and held close to his stomach. Red, plaid jacket, buttoned to his matted beard.

“I’m sure.”

“Well, damn it, then.” She stood up and handed the flashlight back to Donnie, and walked around to the front of the cabin, peeling her scarf from her head as she went.

Donnie folded the chair and tucked it under his arm and went inside, where his mother was sitting in the kitchen at the small table. She had a coffee mug in her hand and she was moving it in circles, looking down into it as if she was watching the liquid swirl. When he came into the kitchen she got up and went to the refrigerator, taking out a can of beer. “You might as well drink this,” she said. “Sit by the window and watch for Cecil. Let me know when he gets here.”

“You okay, Ma?”

“I’m fine,” she said.

He took the beer from her and she left him, shuffled in socked feet toward the back bedroom, a pack of cigarettes clutched in her hand as if it was a security blanket. Donnie slid the armchair to the window and drew back the curtain, setting the can on the ledge without opening it.

“Donnie.” She was still there, standing in the short hallway under the weary glow of the overhead light.

“Yeah?”

“Donnie.”

“What is it, Ma?”

“What do you think happened?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I ain’t a doctor.” There was no use telling her everything he saw under that house. The garbage strewn around the boy’s body, like he’d been down there for some time. The large blossom of red that spread out from his head, blood soaked into the cardboard. Maybe someone had clocked him good, bashed him with a metal pipe, or a tire iron.

“Guess we’ll find out soon enough,” he said.

Wilma leaned against the wall and looked down at her feet. She didn’t say anything for a minute; she just nodded, her dark ponytail moving back and forth under the ache of the dingy light.  “I know what you’re thinking,” she said, pulling herself from the wall.

“What am I thinking?”

She swayed in the lamplight on unsteady feet, her arms folded stubbornly across her chest. “Just because he did time in prison once, doesn’t mean he did it again.” Her head shook from side to side but she stared at Donnie hard, like she did when she scolded him, when he was a little boy. “People make mistakes, you know. One mistake doesn’t mark a person for life.”

“I never said it did.”

“Maybe he hit him, but it wasn’t anything. It was barely a knock upside the head. He hit him and the guy walked away. He was fine.”

“I’m sure he was,” Donnie said.

“He’s a good man,” she said. “No matter what anyone says, Cecil is a good, decent man. When he gets back here, he’ll tell us what to do. ” She turned away from Donnie then and went to her room, and shut the door hard behind her.

Post lamps arched over the parking lot, like the cobra-headed weapons of Martian spaceships in a late movie, tips spraying light down onto the water-spotted parking lot.  The cabins around him were sleeping dogs, their amber eyes fluttering now and then, and the secondhand on his wristwatch ticked on like the outside dripping of water from the broken gutter, tapping into the pebble bones that connected his hand to his arm. Somewhere, Cecil was looping his plastic tubing over his ears and wrestling that tank of his into the front seat, or maybe he was at the tavern, telling prison stories and throwing back one whiskey after another. He’d be back with the Nova before long, though, Cecil and his new air tank. Anytime now, he’d be pulling in with Donnie’s car, with the garbage bags and the unused shovel, and that big bag of quicklime.  


Warren Read is the author of a memoir, The Lyncher in Me (2008, Borealis Books). His fiction has been published in Hot Metal Bridge, Mud Season Review and Henhouse (Write Bloody Publishing). He is currently an MFA candidate at the Rainier Writing Workshop. 

Faded Memories

“How much do you love your wife?” This is the question she asks me quite often. Who even asks this to a 70 year old married man, who is head over heels in love? This question is accompanied by a glass of water, and a white capsule. Ah, how much I hate it, being dependent on a small pill, but well, time ravages all.
She asks me again. “How much do you love her?”

I take the pill and gulp down the water, and begin. “You know how teenagers nowadays feel when they have their first relationship. The first impulsive one. The one where they profess their love for each other all too loud, but the smallest details and the most timid of the idiosyncrasies remain unknown to them. The love I have for her is just the opposite. She is not an excellent cook, but her chicken curry will have you licking your fingertips for hours. Her favorite color is beige, because this was the color of the first doll she owned. This was also the color of her grandfather’s walking stick. Her favorite ice cream flavor is Vanilla, because when she was young, this was all her family could afford. The other flavors cost more, and thus she learned from the beginning to love this flavor. She scratches her palms when she lies. This is her tell. She has brown colored eyes, and she loves them because she likes being ordinary. This is how she is unique. Her self-worth was never attached to the pretty things most people fawn over. This is why she is an absolute delight to be with. She is the woman who will dance with you on a street just for the sake of having fun, and this is also the woman who will continuously pester you to take your medicines.

“Her favorite outfit is the purple-colored saree I got for her. She has worn it so many times that the color has faded, but she still won’t let me give it to anybody. She would willingly give her jewelry, but not this saree, because she knows how much I love seeing her in it. ”

“I can go for hours, really. Do you have the patience to listen?” And there stands a woman, clad in her old purple saree, face covered with wrinkles, and those wrinkles covered in tears. Tears that make her eyes red are the same tears that are falling on the pill she has in her hand. The capsule to treat Alzheimer’s disease.

I look at her and ask, “Who are you, my dear lady?”


Kartik Agarwal is a first year student at Gujarat National Law University, India. Apart from writing, he is keen on photography, basketball and dogs. Kartik has previously worked with a few non-profit organisations.

Brotherly Love

It started with a simple enough gesture, a wink. Winks are harmless when cast by the right eye. And, at the time, he never thought anything of it; the way she looked at him from the other side of the dinner table, the way she held their embraces just a few seconds longer than expected. Thinking about it now makes him want to vomit, and he does. The anxiety spills out in a pathetic splat onto the concrete. The street is silent and empty, but to Tom it feels like the whole world just watched him upheave.

Tom never wanted to commit murder; in fact, he never really meant to hurt anybody. He was the victim here, dammit. Not this dead guy. But they had pushed him.

Justice, right?

Staring into the pile of vomit on the sidewalk beside a freshly mangled body, he thinks fondly on the kind of person he is, the kind of guy who pays his taxes three months in advance,signals for other drivers, and spends time with his mother every weekend. Every single action he made was done with a tremendous sense of family. “We are all in this together.” Sure, he ate fried food, stayed out late, drank, even smoked on occasion; he did those things, but hurting people certainly never crossed his mind. Until now.

We find Tom with a serious problem on his hands: my blood. It was never his plan to push me out in front of the Riverfront Parking Shuttle, but something went terribly wrong with Tom. Maybe it was when she winked at me in between sips of Cabernet from across the dining room table at Christmas? Now I look upward, without the ability to even blink, let alone wink,dead look in the eye and a cemented air of disdain forever on my face. 

My name is Colin, and I’m pretty heavy to carry. I’m also Tom’s brother, and he can tell just by picking me up that several of my ribs are broken. They shift and slide in his grasp,making it almost impossible to keep a firm hold on my lifeless corpse as he half-drags, half-carries me down the street. We’re in the middle of a busy city, just down the road from an intersection that sits at the bulkhead of a nearby river. At the moment the roads are void of life.No cars. No people. Just us. Just me and my brother.

Lifting his shirtsleeve to his face to wipe away the strained asparagus now mixing with the ruby red liquid slowly dripping from my neck, nose and mouth, Tom sniffs his nose and looks around.

No one but the bus driver has seen him, and even that he can’t be sure of. His car is parked only a block away and the decision to transport the body, my body, is made.

A soft orange light hues our progress from the streetlamps above as we strafe along the cracked crags and once-complete sidewalk slabs toward the crossing. Tom keeps an eye to the roads, every so often glancing down at me to see if maybe it was just an act; worried I might leap to my feet and take off running. But I know.

As we move I try to bleed as much as possible. There’s a noticeable trail flowing out behind us like liquid breadcrumbs, and I can tell Tom notices. I bought him the shirt he’swearing. That was three years ago. Maybe I can bleed even more profusely to completely ruin it,I begin to wonder. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Tom wear it. He casts furtive glances and a frenzied grimace back at the damp concrete now laced with my DNA. And then his eyes return and take to the streets.

Although nothing is around and no one is near, the night welcomes us like a petulant child. I can feel his heart pounding in his chest as we approach the intersection. His car sits lonely only half a block down the alley. A quick, right turn and Tom is home free. I can almost feel the rising sense of liberation in his stride. The closer we get, the faster we move.

Something in the bushes suddenly catches his attention and he nearly drops me onto the asphalt.

“Who’s that?” He calls out. But no one answers.

He looks down at me to find the smile I died with. My eyes are closed, and there’s an odd sort of calm about me, especially for a person that was thrown in front of a bus no more than 10 minutes prior.

Tom looks at his watch, but it’s stopped ticking-right around the same time the clock stopped ticking for me. I bought him that watch. It matches the one I own. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him wear it.

I would never go so far as to say she wasn’t the love of my life, but she was my wife and I could tell Tom fancied her. Tom always fancied everything I owned. It had been that way ever since we were kids. I bought a car; Tom had to have the newer and better model in a flashier color. I was the first in my family to go to college; Tom got into a private school and graduated with honors at the top of his class. He had money, he had success, but what he didn’t have was Erika. And I did.

The whinny of a supped-up engine roars in the distance and spooks my brother as we turn down the brick-road alley. He nearly drops me, and my legs scrape the concrete as we make the turn. The walls of the buildings surrounding us blend in with the red-stone on the street in the iridescent orange glow. If it wasn’t for the sky, we’d have no way of knowing which way was out. 

Up ahead in the near distance, Tom spies his car sitting next to a sign that says No Parking. There’s a fresh ticket sticking out from under his passenger-side window wiper and he curses into the night sky. The uneven brick makes it hard for him to keep his balance with my body sitting as awkwardly as it is in his arms. My plan to bleed out was a success and now it has accumulated on my clothing so thick I’m one giant, slippery mess. Tom hangs on long enough to make it to the rear of his vehicle and then drops my body like a bag of dirty laundry onto the road with sickening thump.

He pauses for a moment after he has me propped up to catch his breath and eyes me over.I can see frightened tears welling in his eyes that glisten momentarily in the light from an overhanging flood lamp, which he quickly wipes away and conceals with a deep breath.

And then I feel the car move, and my soaked-through shirt nearly causes me to slide right off the bumper.

A large pool of blood is forming in my lap. Although I can’t smell it, I know the metallic stain of blood is heavy upon the thick, summer air. It’s the smell of death, a smell this alley has probably known all too well.

Tom has taken a seat on the hood of his car and is staring off toward the crossroads. He sits there for several minutes and does not move. He’s just sitting there and sitting there, and all the while I’m just lying here and lying here. The ground is cold and wet and I suddenly wish to know what that is like.

Then I hear a soft chatter. Tom is on his cellphone speaking rapidly but in a low tone.The phone call is brief and soon there is only silence again, and the soft din of traffic.

I begin to think of what my wife must have felt when I shot her. Could it have been like the smack of the bus against my unsuspecting body; the bullet that tore through her forehead carrying the same impact as a 15-ton public bus speeding down a deserted city street? A thick spray of blood splattered a couple of photographs hanging on the far wall as the bullet exited the back of her head. They were pictures of us, when we were happy. She had lied about Tom, and I had caught them in the act. He got away. She was not so lucky.

Now Tom’s face is in his hands and a few hard sobs can be heard over the low commotion of the distant traffic. We’re waiting for something, but I’m not sure what. Tom checks his watch a couple times and then gets up from the hood of the car and begins to pace back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He stops periodically to wipe his eyes or scratch at his forehead, but continues to pace.

He’s thinking of a plan!

But what on Earth could he be thinking ? I wonder. Doesn’t he know he’s a dead man?

They’ll fry him for this. I’m sure of it.

No more than a few seconds after I began entertaining Tom’s trial does a low rumble rise and echo and fill the street. It’s the unmistakable growl of a Harley Davidson, and the owner drives with purpose. Soon enough, an all-black bike with chrome finish pulls up in front of the Volkswagen. Tom is the picture of casual surprise.

A scrawny, unassuming man wearing cheap sunglasses and an old bandana hops off the bike. His features are hard and worn.

Tom immediately walks over to the man and shakes his hand.

They say a few quiet words to each other and look back at the car every now and then.

Another noise suddenly fills my ears, sirens.

Tom and Harley take note of the noise immediately and it appears to stir motivation in both men.

Their conversation turns violent and I can hear them arguing with one another.The Harley suddenly roars up again and begins idling, but not for long. Soon, Tom and the stranger are fading noise in the early morning twilight. But the space between us abruptly stops. The sirens are close now; very close. I hear a few shots ring out across the intersection. A man on a megaphone announces something authoritative, but the shots continue. Soon more shots ring out and the once idle and deserted streets become alive with gunfire and wailing sirens. Reds and blues illuminate the back alley; the colors flashing in specific and maintained order. Bright white follows each pop. There are more of them now than before, and create an electric light show.

The sound of the motorcycle fires up again, and I can hear its roar approaching. 

Moments later, Tom returns on the Harley. The stranger is nowhere to be found. 

When he dismounts, Tom’s chest is heaving and sweat rolls in thick droplets down his forehead. He’s also wearing more blood than when I last saw him, but the same panic and terror wells in his eyes.He moves runs over to where I’m propped up against the back end of his car. He grips his head and whines as his eyes search every square inch of the alley. Something isn’t right. The police haven’t given chase. The sirens in the street remain the same frequency and pitch,although a new slew of sirens can be heard rising from the west.

My skin is now a pale shade of what it used to be and my lips are turning blue. One of my eyes has rolled back, leaving only the whites visible.

About a month before, I had approached Tom about sleeping with my wife. I suspected something going on between them about a year beforehand, but couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I instantly recognized Tom’s car parked next to my wife’s in the driveway when she was supposedly out with friends. They didn’t even try to hide it. At first I just sat in my car with the engine on and the lights off pondering whether or not I should burst through the door and put them both out of their misery or just walk away and never return. I eventually chose to just peak through the window, and sure enough, there was Erika sitting on top of Tom with her bare legs wrapped around his waist.

Two minutes later, the bastard begged and pleaded for forgiveness like a small child might for a toy after having it taken away. He cries now, as he cried then.

As he approaches, my brother slips momentarily on the puddle of blood around me. For a second it looks as if he is bending down to pick me up. When he regains his balance, he does.His efforts, however, are slowed due to my sopping clothes. Tom can’t get a right handle on me. His hands slide and slip all over my cold, wet frame. I begin to wonder if this is how my wife felt.

“God dammit, Colin!”

He grunts and groans with each attempt to pick my corpse up off the ground. The plan she has for me, I know not, but his efforts are highly amusing and grow more frantic as the wailing in the west begins to catch up with us.

“Come on, come on! Son of a bitch!”

Through gritted teeth and a nostril symphony of breath he begins pulling at my legs. My head hits the redbrick hard as I slide down the back of his car, which reveals a long, red streak smeared across the bumper, and a fresh pool begins to form where my head now rests.

Everything is saturated by the humidity in the air. The cold smell of death lingers on the wet atmosphere like soup in a damp cloth. It’s electric, and I can almost see it fuse with Tom’s fear.

The sirens are now only a few blocks away, but I’m not budging.The trunk is open and ready for loading, his keys are in the ignition and the engine is running. The only piece of the puzzle missing in his daring escape is my swollen and bled-out body lying lump in the back of his car. But then he hears a call cut through the night.

“This is Detective Robert Rein,” a voice orders in uniform tone from the far end of the alley. Tom looks over his shoulder to find a man with a shotgun.

“Put your hands in the air where I can see them and keep them there!”

Tom hesitates and the man calls out again in a much more declarative manner.“Do it now!” 

I can’t see either one of them, but I can hear them both moving. Tom has moved away from my body, away from the car, and is hiding behind the lamppost. The man at the end of the alley begins to move forward. Hard, Italian shoes scuff the pavement with every step. I,meanwhile, stare blankly up at the sky with my one good eye. The moon has just peeked out from behind a large patch of clouds and a few stars dance vibrantly nearby. Perhaps the stars are shining brighter than usual due to my current state? I somehow feel more connected with them,and everything around me. I hear Tom breathing, I feel the river flowing. It’s as though I have a heart, though I haven’t felt mine beating in quite some time.

And then a very funny image comes to mind. It’s my junior year of college, and I’m about four months from graduation. I’ve been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. I tried to kill myself. Tom was the only one in our family who came to visit me. While in the hospital, he promised he’d always look after me.

Perhaps, in the case of Erika, he looked after me a little too well. And tonight he threw me in front of a bus.

Crease

I asked Mama how to draw an upside-down man, and she said to just draw a man and turn the paper the other way round so that he was upside down.

“He does not look like he is falling,” I said. “He is supposed to look like he is falling.”

“Well, then, he is not falling,” Mama said.

“He looks like someone tied a rope around his ankles and is dangling him from the ceiling,” I said.

“I don’t know,” she said.

I went away in the fall, to live with Dad, and Jeanie went to live with Mama. They tossed us back and forth, so that I was with Mama all summer and Dad the rest of the time. Jeanie had to be with Mama, they said, because Jeanie was younger and she needed Mama. And Jeanie didn’t need me.

Dad had gotten a new girlfriend that summer and she was very tall and very tan and she called everyone “honey.”

I asked her how to draw an upside-down man and she smiled and said men aren’t supposed to be upside down, honey.

That year in Mr. Kessler’s English class, we were supposed to draw pictures for the reports on the book we were reading, and Dad said in the car that he would help me. But after dinner, he went into his room with his girlfriend and I drew the pictures myself and stuck them all on the board upside down.

Danny who sat two seats away laughed and asked if I was stupid. I said I wasn’t. Mr. Kessler gave me a C+.

Mama got older every summer that I went to see her and I guess Jeanie did, too. I didn’t really see her. I knew she had started to wear black underwear when I found a pair in my suitcase when I was going back to Dad’s. Mama said I grew, too, every year until I was not seven anymore but seventeen and too small for my hands.

Dad married his girlfriend and she said to just call her Lou, honey. Only Dad called her Louise.

Lou was always fixing. She fixed me snacks when I got home, she fixed my bangs when they were getting too long, she fixed Dad’s shirt and his flat tire. She always said she was fixing to open a shop of her own.

Dad asked me if I was still making my little drawings when he saw the dog-eared sketchbook on my desk.

“Can I see?” He reached for it.

I watched him look at the drawings of Mama and the one of Jeanie after she had just gotten out of the shower and her hair was a dripping net on her back.

“Your sister’s gotten big,” he commented, carefully flipping past a sketch of Mama, bent over the kitchen sink as she washed the dishes.

“Yes.”

“Is she taller than you, now?”

“Maybe. Almost. I don’t know. Maybe.”

He said okay and left. He looked maybe like he wanted to say something more, but he didn’t.

I went to school and I sat by myself during lunch because Lacy who usually sat with me was sick that day.

“I’m going to be sick tomorrow,” she had said.

“Okay.”

“I’ve got a big test tomorrow, so I’m going to be sick.”

So Lacy was sick and I didn’t know what to draw because I usually drew Lacy.

“Why are you alone?” A boy came to sit next to me. I knew him, he sat diagonal from me in math class. He had a big chin, he always stared at the board with his chin in his hand.

“Lacy is sick today,” I said.

“Cool.”

“She has a test today, so she’s sick,” I explained. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I didn’t want him to think I was stupid.

He laughed. “So what are you drawing today?”

“Nothing.”

“Can I see?” He moved over so that his arm was touching mine.

I showed him the blank page. “Nothing today.”

“Well, why don’t you draw me?”

I looked at him, and I saw his nose, which was big, but not as big as his chin, and his eyes, which weren’t big.

“I can’t right now,” I said. “You’re too close.”

“Why don’t you meet me today after school?” he said. “I’ll see you in the parking lot. We can go somewhere and you can think about how to draw me then.”

I knew Dad was going to be helping Lou. He always seemed to be helping her with something, so I said, “Okay.”

I stood by the curb after school, and the boy drove his truck up to me. It was a tired truck that smelled like rust and sex, but I was only guessing, because I didn’t know what sex smelled like.

I told him that and he laughed. “The rust is there for sure,” he said. “This is an old car.” He rubbed his hands along the steering wheel.

“And the sex?”

We drove and we drove until I didn’t quite recognize where we were anymore. Sometimes he would hit his palm against the radio because it stuttered.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Here.”

He pulled up across the street from a very nice-looking house where I imagined nice-looking people lived. It had a trim lawn and dark brown doors and white windowsills.

“Do you live here?”

“My mom does.”

“Oh.”

“Have you thought about how to draw me?” he asked, looking at the house.

“Not really.”

“Well, get out your sketchbook, and you can think about it as you draw.”

He was still looking at the house. I dug out my sketchbook and a pencil and wondered if I should draw the house, or the people who probably lived in the house.

He leaned in very close, so that I could smell his cafeteria meatloaf breath, and said, “You’re a very beautiful girl.”

“Not really,” I said. “My sister Jeanie, she’s beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful,” he said. “You’re the kind of girl who’s most beautiful without clothes, you know?”

I didn’t.

“It’s really hot in here,” he said. “You should take off your jacket.”

And then he tugged on my sleeve, and I tried to shake him off, but he was clinging onto my jacket, so I shook off my jacket.

“That’s a good girl,” he said.

“I think I want to go home,” I said, and tried the door, but he had locked it.

“I’ll drive you home,” he said. “But you should pick up your pencil first.”

I had dropped it when he had grabbed my arm, and it was now under his seat. I reached over to pick up the pencil, and he put his hand on my head and pushed me down.

And so I was sprawled on the floor and his fingers were knotted in my hair and he pulled me up so that my head rested between his knees.

“I’ll drive you home,” he said, “but you haven’t drawn me yet.”

With some difficulty, he worked his zipper down and all the while I was stuck so tightly I could hear his knees in my ears.

He held my head with one hand, his nails piercing my scalp, and used his other hand to force himself into my mouth.

I was crying, or maybe I wasn’t, maybe I was just choking, but I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t do anything but beat uselessly against his legs with my hands, and the hairy expanse of him clogged my screams in my throat.

I heard him say “bitch” and I heard him groan and I heard him say “bitch” again, but I couldn’t be sure, because I could mostly only hear my own heart slapping the walls of my chest.

So instead I looked up, at his chin, at his big, big chin, and it was all I saw.

When he was finished, he let go of me and watched me clamber back up onto the seat.

“You don’t tell anybody,” he said, “or I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you, and I’ll kill your sister.”

I could still feel the weight of him crushing my throat and my head and my ears, so I just nodded.

“Besides,” he said, “who would believe a freak like you?”

I didn’t say anything on the way back to school. I didn’t think I’d ever say anything again.

“Clean yourself up,” he instructed, before he drove away. I stood alone in the parking lot for a long while, for long after the sun had set, before I called Dad.

“What happened to your hair?” Dad asked. I hadn’t combed out all the knots.

“Nothing.”

“Is that blood?” He leaned over and I flinched away.

“No.”

“Next time you want to try something with your hair, ask Lou for help,” he said, smiling. “Then maybe you won’t hurt yourself.”

I went home and I thought about how to draw him, and then I drew him with the bitter taste of him in my mouth, and I started with his big chin, and I drew the rest of his face and his body, and when I finished, it looked like a picture of him standing up from the point of view of someone lying below him.

Then I turned it upside down, and it looked like he was falling, falling headfirst.

Falling.


Lisa Liu is a senior at The Harker School in San Jose, California. Her poetry and prose have been featured in Textploit and Phosphene. She is a graduate of the Iowa Young Writers’ Studio.

Winter Romance

“You are like the winter wind. I don’t like you very much, you arrive in November, I celebrate my birthday in your presence. You wish me Happy Birthday by hugging me, sending chills through my entire being. Then we celebrate Christmas, running around covered from head to toe in mufflers and socks and gloves.

And just when I start getting used to you being around, you turn your back onto me and abscond, bringing flowers and greenery back that you had scared away.

I miss you a lot. I miss the hot chocolate that we used to have when we got too clingy, and the sweaters tucked away deep into the closet.

You’re gone for months, and our memories shared in the driveway are all that I have. The long months make me forget you, all too soon.

Little did I know my stoned-cold heart had been too warm. For you come back after eight long months, introducing yourself again.”


Vaishnavi Sanap is a fifteen-year old from Mumbai, India. She runs a blog of her own. This is her first publication.